Have I told you too much about myself - more than my own good? Have I opened up too much to you- so much so that when necessity arises, I won't be able to close up? Have I let myself be intertwined with your life to the extent that there's no way back? I have always believed in keeping an escape route....every time I visit a palace/ a castle, what attracts me is the ingenious way they always plan an escape route - a secret path which probably would go on for miles and open up far far apart - much much away from the centre of attention.
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Am I wrong? – Have I committed any mistake? - Have I started expecting too much from life? - Have I stopped being a realist? I Hope not. Whether something actually works out or not - I guess I will look back lovingly at this time - these few days - months - maybe years - as probably one of the best time of my life. Just do not know why, but looking back now, I do not even know whether I got what I wanted, ‘cause I simply did not know what I was looking for. Maybe, just a dash of pleasure, just a pinch of pain - a longing strong enough to numb my senses.... Maybe I never really had any expectation from you – or maybe I simply had so much expectation that I was probably too afraid even to acknowledge, I really do not know what actually happened.
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Am I wrong? – Have I committed any mistake? - Have I started expecting too much from life? - Have I stopped being a realist? I Hope not. Whether something actually works out or not - I guess I will look back lovingly at this time - these few days - months - maybe years - as probably one of the best time of my life. Just do not know why, but looking back now, I do not even know whether I got what I wanted, ‘cause I simply did not know what I was looking for. Maybe, just a dash of pleasure, just a pinch of pain - a longing strong enough to numb my senses.... Maybe I never really had any expectation from you – or maybe I simply had so much expectation that I was probably too afraid even to acknowledge, I really do not know what actually happened.
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Some day I will get over you. Not that I would want to, just that maybe I would need to know how to exist without you. Not that I would remove you from my mind – you would always exist like one of the best scenes viewed through my eyes – like first drops of rain over water lilies, like the reflection of the first rays of sun over the snow-clad peaks of Kanchanjunga – like a walk through a hilly road adorned with rhododendron bows. Your presence, your fragrance will exist as one of the best feelings ever experienced in my lifetime –even more thrilling than that of - India winning the Cricket World Cup, my favourite soccer team winning an international competition, my first reading of The Fountainhead or maybe Scorcese or AR Rahman winning the Academy Award. But no - I won’t despair then just because you are far apart, I won’t anguish because of the emotional distance, I won’t wallow just thinking of the past, I won’t let myself be killed softly and feel every emotion of mine get destroyed because you have unknowingly inflicted a pain on me. Some day I will learn to be oblivious of your present and just dwell on the past… some day I will simply be able to be nostalgic and yet not suffer.
Till then I probably shall float over the waves of life, flowing with the current – induced by your radiant, intoxicating presence. But as of now, to tell you the truth, I have no qualms in admitting – I am actually enjoying it!!
Signed and Sealed by John Galt.
and P.S - I Love You.
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