A good many wives are not tender and good. Some men keep them constantly in hot water; others let them freeze by their carelessness and indifference. Some keep them in a stew with irritating ways and words. Some husbands keep them pickled, while others waste them shamefully. It cannot be supposed that any wife will be tender and good when so managed, but they are really delicious when prepared properly.
In selecting a wife, you should be guided by the silvery appearance as when buying a mackarel and not by the golden tint as if you wanted some salmon. Do not go to the market for her as the best ones are always brought to the door. Be sure to select her yourself as tastes differ.It is far better to have none unless you will patiently learn how to cook yourself.
Of course, preserving a kettle of the finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing better than an earthenware pippin, it will do - with a little care. Like crabs and lobsters, wives are cooked alive. Sometimes they fly out of the kettle and do so become burnt and crusty on the edges. So it is wise to secure her in the kettle with a strong silken cord called Comfort. Prepare a clear, steady flame of love, warmth and cheerfulness. Set her as near this as seems to agree with her.
If she sputters, do not be anxious, for some wives do this until they are quite done. Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but use no pepper or vinegar on any account. Season to taste with spices, good humour and gaiety preferred, but seasoning must always be with great discretion and caution. Avoid sharpness in testing her for tenderness. Stir her gently, lest she lie too flat and close to the kettle and so become useless. You cannot fail to know when she is done. If so treated, you will find to know when she is done. If so treated, you will find her very digestible, agreeing with you perfectly and she will remain the way as long as you choose , unless you become careless and slow the home fires to grow cold. Thus prepared, she will serve a life time of happiness!
In selecting a wife, you should be guided by the silvery appearance as when buying a mackarel and not by the golden tint as if you wanted some salmon. Do not go to the market for her as the best ones are always brought to the door. Be sure to select her yourself as tastes differ.It is far better to have none unless you will patiently learn how to cook yourself.
Of course, preserving a kettle of the finest porcelain is best, but if you have nothing better than an earthenware pippin, it will do - with a little care. Like crabs and lobsters, wives are cooked alive. Sometimes they fly out of the kettle and do so become burnt and crusty on the edges. So it is wise to secure her in the kettle with a strong silken cord called Comfort. Prepare a clear, steady flame of love, warmth and cheerfulness. Set her as near this as seems to agree with her.
If she sputters, do not be anxious, for some wives do this until they are quite done. Add a little sugar in the form of what confectioners call kisses, but use no pepper or vinegar on any account. Season to taste with spices, good humour and gaiety preferred, but seasoning must always be with great discretion and caution. Avoid sharpness in testing her for tenderness. Stir her gently, lest she lie too flat and close to the kettle and so become useless. You cannot fail to know when she is done. If so treated, you will find to know when she is done. If so treated, you will find her very digestible, agreeing with you perfectly and she will remain the way as long as you choose , unless you become careless and slow the home fires to grow cold. Thus prepared, she will serve a life time of happiness!
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